Never ending conversations with the overt narcissist.

Communication-something a narcissist cannot do because he is consistently interacting with “himself”. This can leave a person feeling hopeless thus, shutting down entirely because one is taught that one’s words fall on a deaf and blind narcissist or becoming louder in desperate attempts to be heard whether it be becoming aggressive, rephrasing One’s words, inquiring for clarification , etc.. This desperation usually leaves a person at the mercy of the narcissist.

When someone is trying to prevent appearing “wrong”, circulating conversations arise. This is due to projection-falsely blaming others for what one is “guilty” off (gaslighting). This is commonly used in the narcissist due to their heightened anxiety to protect the false self.

How to avoid these circumstances is to of course, go no contact. If such is not possible, grey rock. Understand that both these methods do not remove the urge to have the narcissist “validate” reality for you. Accepting that the narcissist will not validate reality for you is critical. You have to be able to confirm and validate your own perception versus doubting it as the narcissist has trained you to falsely believe in their delusions.

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There is no peace

Living with a narcissist is like living in a hell made just for you. Your weaknesses, your emotions, your reality-everything about you-is exploited which is extremely consequential, at the very least. A million tactics are deployed if one lives with a narcissist. Some examples are:

1. Picking random fights with you which in turn, puts you on the defence automatically

2. Keeping you hyper vigilant by slamming doors, walking heavily, slamming cupboards

3. Never granting you a moment of peace mentally and emotionally, everything the narcissist does is exaggerated and annoying to create heightened emotions, alongside confusion

Something so meaningless

Prior to a very unwanted experience with a narcissist, you most likely did not know how one small and meaningless conversation can become something that can be used against you.

Let me give you an example of what type of conversation and its associated tactic I am talking about to you-

The narcissist-morning babe how are you?

You– Im good how are you?

The narcissist-I’m good. Just wanted you to know I hope your having a good day.

You-aww thanks babe.

The narcissist– so how is bob?

You– I do not know a bob?

The narcissist-ignores you for two weeks

Now, any reaction you give the narcissist from this point on in such a conversation will now –

1. Be used by the narcissist as the false reason for ignoring you

2. Provide the narcissist with what looks to be as “tangible proof” to backup his smear campaigning and his/her abusive behaviour. In the above example, the narcissist wants his victim’s reactions to display exactly how the conversation above was laid out-aka a normal reaction.

So, not only does the narcissist use such a small and normal thing like a meaningless conversation as something to exploit you with, the narcissist also uses your very normal reaction to his bizarre behaviour against you.

So how does the narcissist do this?

By training you to hold a very specific belief regarding your normal reactions to his odd and abnormal behaviour.

Yes, the narcissist is the one behaving oddly not you, the only difference is the narcissist is trying to program your unconscious into holding a belief that your reactions to his/her bizarre behaviour is the problem instead. This particular belief in itself creates a whole other pile of cognitive problems for a person

The narcissist’s ultimate expectation

When a person enters the realm of a narcissist, the expectation to obey the narcissist’s reality is immediately placed on you. This expectation is displayed before you as your “relationship” with the narcissist and becomes constitutional a major part of your inner and outer reality.

With time, you slowly become aware of the major fact that the narcissist is truly living a lie and has merged your world with such. You have unknowingly united with the narcissist in their psychosis unwillingly. When this knowledge surfaces in one’s mind, it is not comprehended as how I am describing it now. The conflicting, confusion and emotional shock the narcissist stirs up for their “spouse” is by far the ultimate distraction to this ultimate expectation.

What makes this entire circumstance even worse is when the narcissist blames you for attempting to align with reality. Any and all attempts to live in reality are deemed as a threat by the narcissist.

The difference between arrogance and pathological narcissism

Arrogance and pathological narcissism are two falsely used terms that are used interchangeably. This is a problem because it removes the importance of validation for someone dealing with a pathological narcissist.

When you are dealing with a pathological narcissist, you are dealing with someone with a severe devotion to one’s own mental health pathology. You are not dealing with someone who is simply arrogant. The best way to explain the differentiation between these two terms is to explain what arrogance isn’t.

When a person is arrogant, they are not:

1. Unable to be accountable or wrong

2. seeking attention at the expense and well being of others

3. consistently and only put themselves before others

4. obsessed with having sex with other people

5. living dual lives

6. pathological liars

7. creating a rewriting of the past, present or future

8. manipulating daily at the expense of other people’s well being for the gaining of attention

9. They do not stalk and hack

10. They do not abuse you daily

Self pity vs empathy

The narcissist can provide what looks like self compassion but as you know, the narcissist cannot provide genuine empathy towards others. Self pity is the only form of accountability a narcissist is capable of. The narcissist has no problem taking the blame for their own “thought to be” consequences for their actions if the narcissist feels out of control.

There are two reasons for this: the first reason being they can convince themselves they are in control still of the other person and secondly, to be the own hero in their own script of a movie/life.

The narcissist has no problems saying things like “i am no victim, everything that happened to me, I allowed”. Narcissists have no problems saying things like “I saved myself, no one cares about me”. These two statements directly suggest that the narcissist needs to be in control of the external circumstances as well as, the need to be the hero in their own self directed movie/life.

Despite the fact that the narcissist plots, plans and executes malignancy every breathe they take, they are able to delude themselves to such an extent still. I say “delude themselves” because at the end of the day, whether the narcissist is immediately psychologically effected or impacted later on in life, lying to oneself cannot reap positive cognitive effects. You cannot spend your entire life living a lie and expect to have perfect cognition and sound mind.

The need to be with the narcissist = trauma bonding

The need for the narcissist frequently overrides all other concerns in the victim’s mind at one point or another in their relationship with a narcissist. This does not mean the affects of those other concerns should not be concerning though. Unfortunately, when all the victim can think about is being back in the relationship with the narcissist again, one fails to see how they are actually in the midst of traumatically bonding with their abuser . Their need for their abuser has psychologically and emotionally trumped everything else such as one’s dignity, self respect, and long term relief of emotional and psychological desperation. Essentially, the tactic used for trauma bonding is the creation and exploitation of a powerful emotional need within the victim that drastically shifts the relational power dynamic. The narcissist holds the victim’s mind hostage via their emotional and psychological needs.

What face is the narcissist wearing?

If the narcissist was constantly wearing the face of the false self, he would never be able to love bomb you or ask for a second chance”. The false self cannot be “wrong”. This is how you know that you are dealing with something else. So what is that “something else?” The narcissist wears many faces actually and in the mind of a narcissist. These faces consist of the various important figures in the narcissist’s life and past, memories. The narcissist “wears these faces” to lure you and maintain you as a permanent supply slave.

You are not evil

When life forces a person to have narcissist as a parent or to have two narcissist parents, you may have noticed that you have been indoctrinated to hate yourself. This is due to the amount of malignancy spewed onto you by your “parents” whether it be in the form of manipulation, name calling, gaslighting, etc.

Overtime, you come to learn that there is truly nothing you can do right or well enough when it comes to the narcissist. Yoy will learn that you will be blamed for the things the narcissist does wrong in his or her life. You will also be blamed for all the abuse the narcissist spews onto you. In the end, the narcissist parent ensures you harbour guilt, shame and self hatred and this is what is truly evil.

A reaction towards an action that holds ill intent, does not make you evil, it makes you devastated. You have experienced chronic and extensive psychological abuse by a person who is suppose to be your safe place in this big and scary world. Your reactions to the narcissists abuse towards you derives solely from never expecting that your supposed safe place would cause such shock and devastation.

You are reacting to evil, you are not evil.

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