You are not evil

When life forces a person to have narcissist as a parent or to have two narcissist parents, you may have noticed that you have been indoctrinated to hate yourself. This is due to the amount of malignancy spewed onto you by your “parents” whether it be in the form of manipulation, name calling, gaslighting, etc.

Overtime, you come to learn that there is truly nothing you can do right or well enough when it comes to the narcissist. Yoy will learn that you will be blamed for the things the narcissist does wrong in his or her life. You will also be blamed for all the abuse the narcissist spews onto you. In the end, the narcissist parent ensures you harbour guilt, shame and self hatred and this is what is truly evil.

A reaction towards an action that holds ill intent, does not make you evil, it makes you devastated. You have experienced chronic and extensive psychological abuse by a person who is suppose to be your safe place in this big and scary world. Your reactions to the narcissists abuse towards you derives solely from never expecting that your supposed safe place would cause such shock and devastation.

You are reacting to evil, you are not evil.


The narcissist…

blanes you not only for his or her own behaviour and the consequences of such but more importantly, the narcissist blames you for them not being seen as perfect. The saying would go “your perception of my wrong behaviour is inaccurate, I am not wrong”.

The tricky part surfaces when the narcissist completely behaves in the opposite of what the right thing and still, will blatantly blame you for possessing an inaccurate perception of their wrongful behaviour. This particular manipulation tactic is something known as gaslighting. Doubting one’s own perception is the narcissist’s end goal.

The consequences on someone’s mental health due to being chronically gaslight by a narcissist is more extreme than many would think. It only seems natural to think to oneself “it is clear the narcissist is blatantly wrong and lying about” but this not the commonly seen case. When you are in a what you think is a long term relationship with a person you think loves you, you never assume that this person is trying to confuse and trick and you so what is left to do? Doubting oneself.

A shared Universe

When someone talks to you, they also learn about your worldview to better understand how you understand life and the world around you. These two particular factors creates a non seeable universe of two subjective minds meeting as one. In this universe, people exist together via understanding each other and this is reliant on the use of language.

When it comes to a narcissist, the narcissist creates a way of being with oneself that corrupts and exploits this linguistically created and understood universe. What is being said is being manipulated on both ends by the narcissist. How he speaks will result in how you speak back to him. The narcissist exploits this particular knowing by attempting to manifest and construct a particular understanding in your mind of how he understands this shared universe.

The narcissist exploits his own expressed subjective state of mind in a false but favourable way. The narcissist attempts to manifest a reality around him where he does what he wants and blames you for it either blatantly lying and blaming you or by denying the reality of things thus, manipulating this shared universe where you and the narcissist have a supposed understanding of each-another.

For the narcissist, he gets to convince his inner demon that he is all good while doing the exact opposite in reality thus, actually making the narcissist all bad. The narcissist gets to hit two birds with one stone when it comes to this though unfortunately.

The narcissist Exploits your mutually shared and supposed understood universe by changing the way he expresses his faulty created worldview when you respond to it in any way. For example, you have always known the narcissist likes green peppers on his pizza and every Friday you order a pizza with green peppers till one Friday, you order the pizza and the narcissist screams at you for it “you know i hate green peppers!!!”. This illustrates a reference point to how all interactions with a narcissist over time. This particular tactic is the platform that the narcissist uses to manifest and maintain his false self. The narcissist linguistically exploit you by denying that he ever liked green peppers on his pizza and this teaches you over time, that the narcissist will punish you even if you are aware of the fact that both of you know that the pizza was always ordered with green peppers. You learn to become adapted to an idea that suggests that it is much easier to just let the narcissist pretend he never ordered pizza with green peppers on it in his life. Unfortunately, this particular tolerance back fires because what you think you are harmlessly allowing, is not harmless and it traps you in that shared universe where all your attempts to say “we order green peppers on the pizza every Friday” will never be taken seriously and not by the narcissist but by you.

By allowing the narcissist this psychosis, you convince a part of your brain that you never did order the pizza with green peppers because after that one Friday, every other Friday now you have ordered it without green peppers. Even if a part of your brain knows the narcissist is a liar and your humouring him, it will always create an influential doubt within you where your attempts to crack the psychosis in the future.

Embarrassing examples

Narcissists are embarrassing creatures; they do things that are utterly embarrassing to satisfy their addiction. They will literally say and do the most embarrassing things just to achieve the gaining of supply.

To gain narcissistic supply, the narcissist sometimes has to behave in a manner that suggests a low iq. For example, repetition is a key manipulation tactic and so the narcissist tends to repeat themselves over and over trying to drive the victim insane.

Another example of how a narcissist embarrasses oneself is by acting offended by an action or inaction of their victim such as when the victim asks the narcissist to pass the salt and the dinner table . “You can get the salt, do you really think you can control me?”

The last example I will give you is when the narcissist makes up lies and stories when talking to the victim. “I know you cheated so why are you lying?” Meanwhile, the victim has only been to work and back for the last three months like clockwork.

Stalking patterns

When you are being stalked, there is this common myth the narcissist holds in his distorted mind that the law cannot intervene if there is no evidence that associates the narcissist to the stalking behavior but this is untrue.

Stalking behavior is stalking behavior whether someone else is being sent to you by the narcissist aka a flying monkey or the narcissist is leaving little hints that you are being watched by them.

Stalking has patterns. Over time, patterns are revealed. It is important to keep a timeline of the stalking incidents to ensure the time, date and behavior is recorded before going to the authorities.

A very obvious piece of evidence of stalking behavior is intent. If you have left your ex narcissist and than all of a sudden, you become aware of the narcissist stalking you, this is intent. A pattern of abuse is also important to keep record of to provide authorities of why you left the narcissist in the first place and what kind of person you are dealing with here.

Lastly, narcissists tend to prefer that you know you are being stalked by them, record all evidence of this particular knowing. For example, the narcissist will mention to you an incident that took place aka his stalking behavior just so you are aware that he is in fact stalking you. Why does the narcissist want you to know they are stalking you? To gain supply and make you appear crazy.

Hyper focused

When you put your pants on or put your coat on, you don’t think of what leg or arm your going to put in first. That’s because getting dressed has become such a natural occurrence for you and never do you need to question what arm or leg you are putting in first. When you speak, you do not need to recall the alphabet before you sound out each word spoken, we have an unconscious to hold that material for us as well as what arm and leg we put first into our pants and coat. We as humans take advantage of how we as humans function. When you have to deal with a narcissist, you begin to start questioning ourselves on similar extreme levels. You become doubtful of literally everything said and do that your unconscious usually deals with. Another example is when you speak to a friend, you never have to question the way you word things in fear of upsetting your friend because they always internalize all external output from those around them. Due to this constant rethinking type pattern, you become hyper focused on the narcissist. When the narcissist gets “upset” because you said something they internalized, you become even more hyper focused. This is insanity and it creates utter subjective chaos in various ways such as;

1. You become consumed with how the narcissist thinks and interprets reality

2. You become hyper focused on the narcissist’s intentions

3. You may feel guilt event though you most likely know at this point that you haven’t said anything wrong

4. You try and defend and clarify yourself in attempts to calm the narcissist down

5. You become confused trying to figure out what you should do next

6. You feed the narcissist supply

You want and don’t want to believe

You want to believe that everything will be ok. You want to delete the last memory you have regarding how and why you were dismissed by the narcissist. You don’t want to believe that the narcissist is evil or that he gets off on playing head games as a grown adult. You want to believe that not holding the narcissist accountable this time around will benefit you in the long run. You want to believe that the narcissist doesn’t know what he is doing when he lies and attempts to distort reality. You want to believe it is your fault the narcissist behaves the way he does, it is much easier to believe that than to have to accept the reality of your so called soulmate being a fraud and completely mentally unstable. You don’t want to believe that someone could be like this or do this to you. You don’t want to feel the anxiety you feel if you don’t go back to the narcissist when he calls or texts you. You want to believe this time around is going to better and you can forget all the evil insanity the narcissist has shown you. You want to believe this is not real..and want to believe the narcissist is.

Imagine being the narcissist

Imagine for a second your a narcissist.

Imagine being the cause of your own misery and unable to change that because you are so afraid of your own mind and it’s consequences.

Imagine watching everyone flee from you life like you have a plague of some sort. Imagine having to accept that about yourself, knowing you appall people.

Imagine everyone you know ends up abandoning you.

Imagine waking up every morning and needing someone to pay attention to you similar to the average person waking up and thinking about their coffee pot.

Imagine being anxious 24/7 in fear of your ego being attacked by someone’s words that aren’t even threatening in nature.

Imagine having to convince yourself you have the right to manipulate people because you are addicted to attention. Imagine having to be addicted to another human being at all.

Imagine needing someone so desperately and hating yourself for that while also trying to convince yourself you have no needs because your a god.

Imagine stalking someone and obsessing over another person every single day. Imagine wasting your life on obsessing over someone you need while also believing you need to be better than that person.

Imagine needing to waste your time on attempting to control the reactions of others because you are that mentally damaged.

Imagine having to appear like your some malignant monster because you are too embarrassed and unable to admit you are just a needy coward.

Imagine having to watch everyone that leaves you become happy and moved on and away from you because you behave like a disease.

Imagine having to give someone a silent treatment because you are too afraid and unable to express your very apparent vulnerability and distorted needs.

Imagine having to embarrass yourself by going threw the three stages of a relationship as a narcissist. Imagine having to break up with a person every few months, having to portray yourself as an extremely mentally unstable individual.

Imagine having to methodically execute a plan to control someone because you know that no one will want to stay and be around you willingly

A narcissist’s fear

When the narcissist begins to realize he is no longer important to you, he becomes obsessed with trying to remain in your mind. This is a very sad thing to watch because infiltrating a person’s life in fear of disappearing is of course, no way to live.

Stalking plays a huge role in remaining in your mind, along with hacking. The ads you see, the forums your apart of, the people who follow you or attempt to add you on your social media-all of this harassment is a tool for the narcissist to try and control his fear of disappearing from actualizing in reality .

The narcissist ensures that you know the above takes place so that you become consciously aware of future attempts in remaining in your life. An example is receiving messages from the narcissist pretending to be a stranger but mentioning things only you and the narcissist know about such as your pet’s name or something you wore on a particular date with him.

The amount of dedication a narcissist puts fourth for this delusional cause is pathetic yes, but very much a reality for many.

A Letter to the Narcissist

No one cares that you are addicted to attention, why do you assume others give a shit? Oh wait, you know no one would give a shit thats why you lie and manipulate others.

Who told you that you were important? Who told you that you mattered? Oh wait, no one, you know your not important, thats why you crave attention so desperately.

Why do you walk around with your nose in the air as if you are better than the rest, we all know you have no real accomplishments and lie about literally every aspect of “yourself”? Oh thats right, you know this already, that is why you have to lie.

I couldn’t imagine being you, I couldn’t imagine hating myself so much that I erase myself. It is unfortunate you feel you need to exist. Oh wait, you don’t want to exist- you have no choice but to exist, obeying the demon in your head claiming it’s you.

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